Alright hookers. We’re back and ready to read this new set of contestants, the house down. Is it us, or does every season get more and more epic? Get into it.

After having a couple of months to warm up to this set of queens, we’re happy to say that (for the most part) they didn’t disappoint.

Our favorite entrances?

Detox made us queen (bee) OUT.

Also, hiiiiiii, can we TALK about Alaska’s gallop into the workroom. YAS.

Vivienne Pinay put us to work with her adorable dress and red shoes. Is it us, or does this bitch channel some Jujubee/Ongina lovechild rillness? That can only mean one thing – we’re obsessed.

Ivy Winters made a statement, warning the other queens to take caution because she will trample them all with her STILTettos.

Of course, the most dramatic entrance was Coco Montrease’s. Not because she looked sickening (it was just meh), but because they cued up their best slow-mo and Michael Bay soundtrack for our first morsel of drama this season. Apparently, Coco Montrease and Alyssa Edwards have some beef. And we can’t wait to find out because ZZzZzZzz.

Sorry, we pulled a Jynkx. We fell asleep because we realized that we don’t care what happened between them.

Coco is like that drunk spinster aunt who got most of her money by swindling men into marrying them and promptly divorcing them. Alyssa Edwards looks like an aardvark with fetal alcohol syndrome. We’d care more if they were prettier.

As usual, the first challenge was a photo shoot by the ever so dreamy Mike Ruiz. We gotta say, though…we miss the scruff, papi. The challenge called for each of the queens to teabag themselves into a tank representing RuPaul’s mouth.

Our favorite photos from the challenge were by far Vivienne (such poise!), Lineysha (high fashion fish!) and the challenge winner Detox (lookatdat sting-hay-gurl-hay!).

Photo shoot challenge winner and queen bee, Detox

Alaska gave up mid-dunk. We definitely had a Tyra Banks moment watching this

but it’s still early and she has time to redeem herself.

The Runway

After some casual dumpster diving (normal) and with the help of that fucking liar Camille, the queens stomped down the runway in their Hollywood Glamor Realness!

The Good:

Lineysha
Bitch, could you tell that she made this out of WALL PAPER? We couldn’t. She looked so elegant and her makeup looks flawless.

  Roxxxy
Our favorite of the night – and it looks like Ru and the judges agreed with us. It’s hard to pull off looking edgy and polished the way that Roxxxy has with this outfit. And oh my god, the paint job on her face. YAS!

Alaska
We know the other girls are gunning for this bitch. But you know what? She’s fierce. We don’t care who her boyfriend is and we don’t care how long it took her to get on the show. The other girls may call her a one-trick pony, but we like this trick. This dress looks designer, despite having been in a dumpster. Our only issue is with her inability to walk. Queens need to stomp!

Wrong Wrong Wrong!

Coco Channel was rolling in her grave with half of these queens. She always said “always take one thing off before leaving the house.” These hookers could have done with taking off at least five things before hitting the stage.

Penny Tration
No.

Alyssa Edwards
She should have taken half of her outfit off. Please. It was an eye sore.

Jade Jolie
We love Jade. She’s cute and we have seen some FIERCE looks from her on and off the show. But girrr, her outfit was not working. We would have taken off the shoes (no thanks, Dorothy!), the head piece and the NBC peacock on her shoulder. Ding, ding, wrong.

Serena Chacha
Serena, half the point of drag is to make us believe you have a chacha. Better queens have hit the runway without breasts and with a boyish look – Raja mastered it. But what Raja accomplished that Serena didn’t was compensating by looking fierce, elegant and feminine in other areas.

When the time had come for season V’s first LSFYL, Penny dated herself, and, unfamiliar with what the kids were listening to in Summer 2009, fell victim to Serena’s party in the USA. Bye Bye Penny, we didn’t hate you, but your runway look was a mess, you had side burns, and you obviously didn’t want this enough to learn a few lyrics.

We are SO excited for this season. Martin loves the fishy queens and Justin has a feeling that the competition will be tighter than the average tuck. How do you think this season will go?

Last week, the queens served us by far the best episode of All Stars – this marked the first time that we actually didn’t hate the team aspect of the season.

For the mini challenge, the girls put on their flyest Air Jordanas for a game of F-I-S-H.

Something tells us that wearing skirts and heels led to a “L” on Shad’s scorecard, giving Rujubee both a phone call home.

The Runway

This episode’s main challenge called for the top four to create comic book diva characters, back-story and all, and transform themselves from mild mannered super models into super heroines and villainesses of the world.

But first, the queens had to perform an opening number which (to nobody’s surprise) Shannel took over again.

Team Shad opted for the raunchy route, serving us some Lindsay Lohan groin realness with Chad’s Fire Crotch character and her arch nemesis, Shannel’s Lactasia. Not gonna lie, it was all kind of gross in theory.

Chad’s and Shannel’s daytime looks were a little too old AARP.Chad’s super hero execution was beautiful. She looked like Katniss Everdeen and Cher’s lovechild.

Shannel’s outfit was fine, even though it kind of looked like a cross between this:

AND THIS:

Rujubee’s story took us to the planet Solaris, where Jujubee’s character, Melanina, gave people the gift of tan skin with her magical TS Gun. The pale and bitter queen, So.Phia Fierce, as played by Raven, sought to condemn people to paleness by throwing her rays of shade at them.

Jujubee and Raven did the daytime look flawlessly.

Raven’s outfit as So.Phia was sexcellent, but Juju could have benefited from some more traditional super hero accessories.

While all the girls turned it out on the runway, the judges could not find a flaw with any of these top 4, but based on the judges majority (even though Michelle and both boobs were pulling for Rujubee) Ru chose Shad as the winner.

Rujubee broke into tears as they had to try to outperform each other to Robyn.

But proving the bonds of true friendship, our vixens couldn’t outshine each other, and stood by each others sides mouthing the song in what was by far the most emotional performance yet.

After the song, Ru had no choice but to keep both of the girls around for the finale, and the crowd at boxers lost their mother effing sh*t as they should…

Stay tuned readers, next week there are no more teams and its every diva for herself.

We’re late. Again. Sorryboutit, but this time we were busy popping some ‘pagne in celebraysh of this week’s eliminaysh.

Alright. Let’s get into it.

Last night the girls were first challenged to become cheer leaders and create a “cheer-reading” routine. As we all know, Jujubee loves to read basic bitches to filth!

Shannel looked like a plastic surgery gone wrong victim during this challenge, but nonetheless, Shad delivered in full with their reading. And while Rujubee nailed it as well, Yarlexis won the mini challenge.

For the main challenge, the queens had to pair up with a celebrity to wow the judges with a group lipsync to a girl group version of one of Ru’s top songs, “Glamazon,” “Cover Girl,” and “Jealous of my Boogie.”

Kelly Osbourne joined Yarlexis, Kady Z was paired with Rujubee, and Shad were given the fierceeeeee Jillian Hervey (daughter of THE Wilhelmina SLAYS-HER).

In the workroom, Shannel was being a stiletto hog and choreographing the entire routine. We love her, but she doesn’t scream agile in any way. Shannel: showgirl, juggler, bossy bottom, but certainly not a dancer.

We found ourselves flashing back to season 1′s Destiny’s Child girl group challenge. But once again, her control paid off, and the queens looked sickening in a sexy bondage routine to “Glamazon.”

Kelly Osbourne rocked it with her group, expressing her joy at being a drag queen for the day. Let’s be rihannest, though. Kelly Osbourne was born a raging drag queen.

We must admit we were a bit disappointed with Yara to see the same wig we’ve seen a gazillion times go down the runway. How can you be in a girl group and only own one wig?

Rujubee had a minor setback with wannabe diva, Kady Z, who didn’t feel comfy in her big girl drag. She acted as though being contoured by Raven was like getting silicone injections in an alleyway in the slums of Rio. Nonetheless, Raven and Jujubee lip synced their hearts out and wowed us and the crowd.

The judges’ critiques were extremely nit-picky (what else is new), as nearly all the girls nailed it, but in the end, Shad won, and left Raven to lipsync against Alexis.

Alexis is absolutely no match to Raven in a lipsync, especially one that calls for any ounce of sensuality/poise/talent.

THEN…the mother FU*King sahddddde of. it. all.

Yara hit the button, letting everyone know that she didn’t think Alexis’s lip sync was up to snuff (it wasnt.) and that she could do a better job (she did.)

But in the end, no amount of Yarisma could outshine the legendary miss Raven.

Guys everywhere wish their girlfriends were hot like her.

So the lesson here, Yara Sofia, is to never, ever, ever:

And that ladies is the true T. What’ll happen next week? We honestly have no idea.

Last night we were served a shocking episode from our all stars and we are still reeling. The theme of this week’s episode was “bad” and we have to say, some of the girls did bad very well.

The episode starts with Ru telling the queens that they need to deliver their best butch, bad boy look in RuPaul’s version of Guys with iPhones. The guys awkwardly draw some facial hair on and try to bring sexy back, but while most fail, Yarlexis takes home the mini challenge.

Once again, Yara carries these two. We’ve been saying this all season, and there’s nothing like an ugly mug to validate us.

For the main challenge, the queens were given 10 minutes each to pull pranks on passersby on Hollywood Blvd.

We were a bit confused. not sure when “pulling pranks” translated into getting people to walk you like a dog, but “dog” is definitely a description for some of these queens (cough, Alexis, cough).

While we’re on the subject, we just have to say, Alexis is a mess. Aside from Mimi, we can’t think another queen on the All Stars roster less deserving to be there than Alexis.

She has not grown one bit since the beginning of season three, she’s not funny, not sexy, not charismatic and it has zero to do with her being ESL. She needs to stop deluding herself into thinking that her immigrant status is the reason people think she’s a flop.

To quote Tatiana in this week’s FLAWLESSSSS Untucked segment, “Tea with Tati,” Yara gave her a free pass in season 3 by giving up, and she’s been carrying her team during All Stars (we repeat: WE’VE BEEN SAYING THIS ALL SEASON).

The Runway

“Look at all of those flaws!!” – things no one ever says about RuPaul.

On the main stage, the queens had to bring it, punk rock style, in their best bad girl drag.

Rujubee nailed it with Juju’s gothic chic and Ravens fierce Harajuku riding coat and crop, and girl you could not read her Joker Face.

Latrilla was a bit understated in the wardrobe department, but Latrice’s white makeup gave us Divine inspiration and Manila turned it out with her feathery headwear. This was a new look from Latrice (thanks Manila?) and we’re glad our girl is taking risks.

Yarlexis pulled out all the stops, but it was clear that Yara had her hand in Alexis’s entire look, from forcing her to wear creepy contacts to designing her face for her. While Yara’s dress screamed perfection, Alexis looked like an overgrown orangutan piñata.

Shad gave us exactly what we’ve been waiting for from them, serving dominatrix diva. Shannel worked it with a jeweled corset and Chad gave us some rough and toughness that she never fully delivered in her own season. Combined, these two turned it out.

This episode is always our favorite: the one where Ru asks the queens who they think should go home. Everyone says Yarlexis. When Alexis was asked, she pulled out a cheap blow at Latrice for being their “biggest” competition. It’s no wonder Latrice shot back at her inability to understand Yarlexis. Eye for an eye.

Alexis can’t take it like a big boy and goes off in rapid Spanish, shrieking like an immigrant Honey Boo Boo on amphetamines.

Once again, Alexis concludes that people don’t look at them as competition because they are immigrants. And once again, we’re all like:

You’re not competition because half your teams sucks, y’all.

Based on the main challenge on the streets of LA, Shad won this week’s challenge. Somehow that we can’t fathom at all, Yarlexis was safe, and it was Manila vs Juju in the LSFYL.

Now, for the first time in a while, we’ve grown to love Manila, but there is no way that our hometown diva bee Juju was going home last night. She lipsyncs flawlessly, and consistently, and she’s here to kill. Like, let’s talk about the whip action she had going on. She was basically like

And so it was that Manila and Latrice had to sashay away, leaving only 3 teams left. If you want our opinion (and you do) Yarlexis will be the next to go, and once it comes down to Juju, Raven, Chad, and Shannel, it’s anybody’s game.

J&M is inspired by all of the rants and unsolicited opinions that Justin and Martin have been riddling their friends with for years.

J&M sassily interprets TV, music, drag queens and other things that Americans hold near and dear. The authors promise to never hold back.

[J]ustin
Justin invented the rant before it became popular back in the 80s. A bit of culinary aficionado, Justin will be dishing some Top Chef realness. Cher is his number one diva, so you know he’s not here for basic bitches who need to be snapped out of it.

[M]artin
The first thing you need to know about Martin is that when he stans, he stans hard. So if you don’t particularly like Britney Spears, How I Met Your Mother or RuPaul, Martin has one thing to say to you:

Other obsessions: pop music, Northeastern cities and Lucky Charms.

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